I feel the air brush against my arms and my back as I take my fleece zip up off and let it sit against the base of my back as I sit here preparing to write. Prepared to let it all out. This is my blog and I can and will write whatever I want. From this point forth I will no longer sensor. I will no longer care who reads this or what their purpose for reading it is. You can think of me as you like. I am only interested in people who can accept me completely for who I am. Not just the bits and pieces of me that you occasionally see walking past me to your next class or briefly waving at you at the gas station.

This isn't enough for me. Going to school and knowing that my future will be what I hope it to be isn't enough. My future is in the making and there's a long way to go between now and the future. I need something now. Right now. I remember when I was younger walking from one school to another for I don't know what reason a girl named Michelle Rielly told me that at the end of each school year she'd think back to how silly she had been and all the things she wished she could have done differently. I felt the same way and we both agreed that, this particular year had been different. I always think back to that moment because it's how I feel about the end of the year as a whole. Not of how silly I have or haven't been, but of how much has happened in a year and all the things I want to change. This year unfortunately isn't different for me. I haven't changed much of what I wanted to.

I want to promise myself that next year will be different. It's not that I'm unhappy with what I want, I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I know that I'm lucky and what not. But this is it. I know that things need to change and it's not going to happen unless I do something about it. Stop making excuses, stop worrying about my mom, and just do it. In all honesty as much as my mom is the only person who can push my buttons I stopped really caring about what she said a long time ago. She doesn't mean to but she's very pessimistic and puts people around her down most of the time, even if only jokingly. So doing the things I want shouldn't be a problem.

I think part of my problem is that I don't know what to change. Well not entirely. I know what I want and I'm working towards that, I just don't feel like it's enough and I've felt like that for a while. I want more, but more what? So what I'm going to do next year is try a bunch of different things and do a bunch of different things. I'm going to completely surrender my life to a list of things I want to do. I'm going to push myself. It won't matter if I'm in bed half asleep and wanting to push the snooze button. I'm going to do it. I don't care if it's raining or if the road is half blocked because of more construction. I'm tired of feeling like this and I will not allow myself to continue to do so.

What I ask of you .. whoever you happen to be, is for support. You don't have to tell me you've read this, just ask me how I'm doing and what I've been up to and tell me to keep going. I need that little extra oomph. If you want to do any of these things with me then let's go! I want to have fun.

List of things I want to do & try
finish learning Italian
travel route 66
go to Disneyland
go to blizzcon
teach myself the piano
make a video once a week
blogging everyday
visit Brian & Helen
visit Emily
go to mount rushmore
visit yellowstone national park
go camping
go fishing
exercising regularly
Painting something
at least 3 picnics
learn to knit
make an oragami crane
riding a hot air balloon
fly a stunt kite
ride a horse
yoga
karate
pottery making
pilates
ice skating
rollerblading
having short(er) hair
cook and eat 10 dishes I've never tasted before
go to a casino
go to a winery
go sledding
get certified in CPR
learn to play poker
fencing
learn about different types of fauna in my area
calligraphy
go grocery shopping really really late
learn to ballroom dance
drive a convertible with the top down and music blaring
give another public speech
tell someone the complete story of my life
surfing
get to know my neighbors
sing to the elderly
stay out irrationally late dancing
plant a tree
ride a motorcycle
spend a few days on a boat

If I think of more then I'll add it another blog! Life is about living not just existing and I'm ready to have a damn good time. 2010 WILL be an amazing year.

What are some things you want to do?

Peace, Love & Pancakes
-Liberty