This blog comes to you as a spur of the moment window into how I feel right now.

Irrational, hurt, and without any thought into planning or direction I let my fingers tap away at the keyboard as the feelings rush to leave my body and Incubus' Love Hurts plays on repeat, entirely too loud, into my headset. I hate when people think they know me and they don't. I hate being judged a certain way just because someone doesn't understand me. That's right. I feel misunderstood and judged. I usually would give a damn about either of those things, however it hurts a lot when it comes from someone I love and try to help in understanding me. This is one of those times when I don't even know if I love her. I think I may just really want to love her. I have no patience for her anymore, I don't trust her, I don't feel like she knows who I am, or even anything about me. I don't feel respected by her, sometimes I feel used because I feel like she's only nice when she needs me to do something for her, and I can't wait to be far away from her. I feel like a little girl thinking this way. Thinking and waiting patiently for these last 3 months to pass so that I can be gone. Isn't that what teenagers do? They moan and groan about how awful their parents are and how they can't wait to get away? I feel like that's what I'm doing except I'm 23, I don't outwardly bitch about my mother, and I would never purposely try to make her look bad. I don't like to share disagreements I have with her with anyone. Partly because like I said I don't want to make her look bad, partly because everyone thinks she's some kind of heaven sent angel, and partly because I feel like talking about her negatively would be like lowering myself to her level. The funny part about everything, about how I feel towards her, is that she says the same thing to me. That I don't respect or care about her, how she feels, or what she says. That i don't know her at all, that I'm uncaring, insolent, inhumane, and that's just as a person not even getting into me as a daughter. I'm so sick of her. I hate how she makes me feel. I even hate the fact that I'm sick of her. I hate the fact that I feel guilty for hating the fact that I hate the fact that I'm sick of her. I hate that I have so much negative emotion inside of me, and I hate that I can use the word hate, knowing full well what it means, and mean it. I hate that she can make me feel so horrible. I want to say I hate her, I really do. I wish I did. I wish I could just hate her and yell at her openly and even slap her across the face when she insults who I am as a person. Why can't I!? Why am I so stupid that even when she treats me like crap I try to balance it with the good things about her and try to love her?! What the hell is wrong me?! My whole life growing up people told her that no matter how good I was, I'd eventually fall in love and leave her. Go on to live my own life that had no room for her, that I wouldn't want her around and that I'd shut her out completely. I've always told her that wouldn't happen. I promised her that I would take care of her when she got older. I feel like that's what she's pushing for. I feel like she -wants- me to lock her out of my life. I don't want to feel guilty for not loving her like I used to. I no longer feel guilty for wanting things for myself and for my life that don't always include her. I don't feel selfish for wanting my own life. That doesn't mean she won't be a part of it, but my world will not revolve around her. I feel so sad right now. Just a few more months and this will all seem like a distant memory. I hope. I'm going to go drink some apple juice and make a grilled cheese. Thanks for listening to me blog. *hugs computer screen* I really do feel a little better now.

Wall of text crits you for over 9000.

Looking for peace, needing love, and wanting pancakes
-Liberty