Emergency Contacts

I'm really sad right now.

I thought about all the things I wanted to write about today and right now none of them seem to matter. All I can think about it emergency contact lists, knowing people, and my dead friend. She was dead before I even got to the hospital. I didn't get to see her. I didn't even know she had me as an emergency contact, me and her brother. I don't know why it bothers me so much that she didn't have her parents on there. Not that I minded being on there, I just didn't know and now I don't really understand. Don't think I ever will. I feel bad. She wasn't a really close friend, at least I didn't think so. I can think of people who hung out with her a lot more than I have, but I guess you can't measure closeness by how many hours you spend with someone. I already knew that.. about quality over quantity I mean. It's just kind of shocking. I can't help feeling sad when I think about it though. She was heading home from jazz class. I didn't even know she took jazz. I feel like I was a bad friend. She was somewhere between a 3 and a 4. I feel bad for even giving her a number because she was so much more than that. I feel bad for not having gotten to know her better, for not knowing how much she really thought of me, for not knowing all of the things I found out tonight. Her brother apparently knew that I was on the list. I don't want to replay the conversation I had with him. I can't believe I didn't know.

I'm going to stop because I have lots of doubts and questions in my head at the moment and I could continue rambling about it all. I don't want to dwell on this. This morning I had the muscles in my arms and my legs overworked and right now I'd work them twice as hard if that meant getting answers, regardless of the pain.

It makes me think a lot about myself too. About my emergency contacts list. My cellphone allows for up to 3 people's numbers to be put as emergency contacts, I have my mom as the first and only contact. Which is amusing seeing as she never picks up the phone. Ever. We've joked around that if I ever get arrested for anything and have only one phone call it won't be to her because she wouldn't get it. I want to put two other people on that list. I kind of know who, but I'm afraid to ask them. First of all because that's a big responsibility and secondly because asking is assuming a lot. Being on that list is assuming that you care a whole lot about me, not like omg you're the greatest friend ever, but you're someone that I value and am willing to take care of and/or be there for if something should happen to you. That's asking a lot from a person. I'm kind of scared to ask because I don't want to know if they don't care about me that much. Or even worse if I just assume that they do and add them without saying anything, find out that neither of them came if something happened. I don't want to ask and then have them say yes because they feel obligated to either. *sigh* This feels so complicated. I feel like there's so many implications. I know (or at least hope) that one person would want to slap my upside the head with a waffle if they knew that I was afraid to ask them because I thought they didn't care about me that much.

I need to lie down.

Looking for peace, needing love & wanting pancakes
-Liberty